Armed Robbery

When the English aren’t playing darts, plane spotting, or watching snooker on television, they like to engage in a spot of armed robbery. It’s a very popular activity, particularly enjoyed by the younger male residents of Greater Manchester. Several bars in Chorlton have recently been robbed during the evening, the latest by a group of youths wearing balaclavas and brandishing shotguns and tomahawks. They moved all the customers out the back and took their mobile phones, while a staff member emptied the till. Unfortunately all that effort netted them only £30. The Trevor Arms Hotel in Beech Road has been robbed four times in the last 18 months, although last time the punters ran outside after the robbers who dropped the £6,000 pounds cash and fled. The locals managed to collect every last note and returned it to the publican, who says he will buy them all a round. Armed robbery is now so popular in Chorlton that the local bars have set up a walkie talkie system to warn other bars and restaurants in the area of the danger.

The latest statistics have Greater Manchester’s overall crime rate impressively above the national average. Although the crime rate overall has fallen considerably under Labour, the public believes that crime is worse than ever. Interestingly, violence committed by acquaintances is way down but crime against strangers has stayed the same, and is now makes up the highest proportion of violent crimes. Those most likely to become the victims of violent crime are the poor and young men aged 16 to 24 years. But even though Manchester is up there with the top regions for violent crime, Merseyside still beats it for violent crimes per head of population. Damn those Scousers! Even then, London outdoes them both by a long, long way.

But potential villains need to be careful about which pubs they go into in Manchester. Not long after I first arrived, I read about an assassination attempt gone wrong in Salford. Two armed assailants wearing balaclavas burst into the Brass Handles pub and fired shots at a man they were trying to assassinate, wounding him and another person. Initially all the drinkers ducked for cover, but then they turned on the attackers, overpowered them, and shot them both. The two men, fatally wounded, staggered out of the building and fell down across the street. The punters surged out of the pub and commenced kicking the men as they lay dying on the ground.

I haven’t been to the Brass Handles, but I bet you could enjoy your beer there without any fear at all of armed robbery.